Top 10 Things The Twilight Films Did Terribly6. Character development
I’m gonna get real honest with you: I’m getting pretty tired of hating Twilight movies for the sake of this article I’m writing for you sadistic a-holes. I used to like-ish some of them before I started writing, now all I see is salty, burning hatred. Plus, I’m apparently blaming you for some reason, as you monitor my pain with serious intent, you jerks. Sure, it’s fun to laugh at the failures of others, but it can also be exhausting when it appears that you’ve bitten off such a large piece of terrible that you’ll be chewing on it for all of eternity. So to spare myself the entirety of that hell, I’ve abridged this portion of it, as well as the entire Twilight Saga quintilogy of films (I finally get to use that word) into short character development blurbs of color and delight. Basically, I’ve broken down the character development of all five movies into chatroom form. Also, eff you. Enjoy:
(BONUS GAME #2: See if you can spot the character development. HINT: There isn’t any.) *This page doesn't work on the mobile site, sorry.*
CHATROOM: TWILIGHT
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CHAT ROOM: NEW MOON
AUDIENCE: AUDIENCE has joined the chat.
BELLA: Hi. EDWARD: HI. JACOB: HI. EDWARD: SHUT UP, JACOB. BELLA, THE VOLTURI ARE THE VAMPIRE MAFIA. IF PEOPLE FIND OUT THAT WE’RE VAMPIRES, THE MOB WILL KILL US. BELLA: Why are you telling me this? EDWARD: IT’S IMPORTANT LATER. ALSO, HAPPY BIRTHDAY. BELLA: F u. JASPER: HEY, CALM DOWN GUYS. OH YEAH, I HAVE MOOD-CONTROL POWERS, BTW. FORGOT TO MENTION THAT EARLIER. ALICE: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BELLA! TEE-HEE! BELLA: F u, Alice. JASPER: OH YEAH, BELLA, HAPPY… BIRTH-YAAA GIMME YOUR BLOOD!!! *Lunges. EDWARD: *Slaps wildly.* HA! TAKE THAT, JAS- OH SORRY, BELLA. BELLA: Ow. U kinda punched me. EDWARD: I KNOW, AND I CAN NEVER MAKE UP FOR WHAT I DID. SO INSTEAD, I’M LEAVING YOU FOREVER. BELLA: Um… EDWARD: YOU’RE NOT SAFE WITH ME ANYMORE. SO I’M LEAVING YOU. ALONE. IN THE WOODS. AT NIGHT. IN A TOWN FREQUENTED BY OTHER VAMPIRES WHO WOULD EAT YOU. AND ONE OF THEM IS STILL HUNTING YOU AND WILL NEVER STOP UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD. YOU’RE SAFE NOW. BELLA: Wait, what? Edward? LAURENT: GUESS AGAIN. BELLA: My bf will kick your ass if u touch me. LAURENT: *Sniffs.* DOESN’T SMELL LIKE HE’S AROUND. VICTORIA: VICTORIA has joined the chat. WEREWOLF JACOB: BARK BARK BARK! CHOMP! LAURENT: WHY DIDN’T I SMELL THAT COMING? *Dies.* VICTORIA: VICTORIA has left the chat. BELLA: Uh, wtf? WEREWOLF JACOB: *Has boner.* BELLA: Um… WEREWOLF JACOB: UH, BARK BARK BARK, BARK! *Runs away.* BELLA: … *Goes home.* CHARLIE: BELLA, WTF HAPPENED TO YOU? BELLA: I got attacked by a vampire and almost sexually assaulted by a werewolf. I mean I didn’t. But I did get dumped by Edward. I’ll be upstairs in a chair for the next 6 months in between screaming night terrors, cutting myself, and bad music. CHARLIE: THAT SOUNDS KIND OF UNHEALTHY. YOU SHOULD GO SHOPPING WITH FRIENDS INSTEAD. JESSICA: OMG!!!! DID SOMEBODY SAY SHOPPING??? MAKEOVERRR!!! BELLA, UR COMING WITH ME, NOW! BELLA: I hate you, dad. JESSICA: BLAH BLAH BLAH… BELLA, ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME. BELLA: No. I’m gonna flirt with creepy bikers because the ghost of Edward told me not to. JESSICA: W… T… F…….. BELLA: Take me scary biker man. SCARY BIKER MAN: What a polite young lady. *Rides off with Bella.* BELLA: Edward? Edward is that you? SCARY BIKER MAN: W… T… F….. JESSICA: IT WAS NICE OF THAT SHADY, 38-YEAR-OLD BIKER TO DROP U BACK OFF HERE ONCE HE NOTICED UR CRAZY INSTEAD OF RAPING U AND DUMPING U ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD. HOW COULD U BE SO STUPID? BELLA: It’s been 3 hrs, y r u still standing here? JESSICA: WHATEVERRRRRR! CHARLIE: BELLA, YOU’RE BACK. YOU STILL LOOK LIKE AN EMO MELTDOWN. MAYBE YOU SHOULD HANG OUT WITH JACOB INSTEAD. JACOB: DID SOMEBODY SAY BELLA? OH HEY, BELLA, DID- BELLA: When the eff did you get so hot? JACOB: OH YOU LIKE IT? IVE BEEN TURNING INTO A WEREWOLF. I MEAN WORKING OUT… MARRY ME. BELLA: Aw, lol. :) CHARLIE: BELLA, THAT KID HAS A HUGE BONER FOR YOU. YOU SHOULD MARRY HIM. BELLA: Nah, I’d rather just string him along and use him. JACOB: I’M STILL STANDING RIGHT HERE. BELLA: Oh, how rude of me. Jacob, I’d rather just string you along and use you. JACOB: K. SAM: WEREWOLVES UNITE! BELLA: Wtf is his problem? JACOB: HE’S A CULT LEADER. I HAVE TO GO PUNCH HIM. BRB. BELLA: K. JACOB: I’M BACK. BELLA: It’s been 3 weeks. Where the hell were u? JACOB: I CAN’T TELL YOU. BELLA, DON’T JUMP OFF THAT CLIFF IN LA PUSH. BELLA: K. *Jumps off the cliff in La Push.* JACOB: DAMN IT, BELLA! *Saves her.* ALICE: BELLA, I’M PSYCHIC. WHY’D YOU JUMP OFF A CLIFF? EDWARD THINKS YOU’RE DEAD. BELLA: He left me in a town full of vampires… ALICE: WAIT… I HEAR SOMETHING… THE PHONE! JACOB: HELLO? EDWARD: JACOB? WHY DID YOU ANSWER? JACOB: CUZ BELLA’S NOT HERE. AND SHE’S DEAD. AND SHE DOESN’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE. AND YOU SHOULD PROBABLY KILL YOURSELF. BELLA: Jacob, wtf??? ALICE: EDWARD’S GONNA KILL HIMSELF, WE HAVE TO SAVE HIM. BELLA: How’d we get to Italy so fast? ALICE: I DRUGGED YOU. EDWARD’S GOING FLASH 1,000’S OF PEOPLE IN THE SUNLIGHT, AND WHEN THEY FIND OUT HE’S COVERED IN GLITTER, THE VAMPIRE MAFIA WILL KILL HIM. WAIT… I SEE SOMETHING… IT’S EDWARD! HE’S… RIGHT OVER THERE! BELLA: No Edward, stop! All your plans are terrible! EDWARD: YEAH, YOU’RE RIGHT. THE VOLTURI! CAIUS: DAMN RIGHT, EFFHEADS, COME WITH US. ARO: A VAMPIRE DATING A HUMAN AHAHAHAHAhahahahahhahaha… *Skeet.* JANE: I CAUSE PAIN WITH MY MIND FOR FUN! EDWARD: AAAAAAAAAH!!! ALSO, WTF WERE YOU BEFORE YOU WERE A VAMPIRE? BELLA: NO, STOP, PLEASE!!! AUDIENCE: WOAH. KRISTEN STEWART’S FIRST EMOTION. ARO: SIMPLY DELIGHTFUL! BUT BELLA SHOULD BE A VAMPIRE. DON’T YOU AGREE, MARCUS? MARCUS: MEHHHHHhhhhhhh….. *Craps his pants.* OTHER MEMBERS OF THE VOLTURI: OTHER MEMBERS OF THE VOLTURI has left the chat. ALICE: ARO, YOU CAN READ MY MIND, BELLA WILL BE A VAMPIRE SOMEDAY… I’VE SEEN IT!!! ARO: *Reads Alice’s mind.* AHAHAHAHahahahaha….. K, YOU’RE FREE TO GO. BELLA: That’s it? Wait, why doesn’t one of u just bite me right now, since u obviously waaaaay overpower us? ARO: I… DON’T… KNOW… HEY, DINNER TIME! I HOPE IT’S LITTLE BOYS AGAIN! AHAHAHAHAhahahaha……. BELLA: Gross. Hey, why did u leave me, a-hole? EDWARD: YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND, BELLA, I’M STUPID. AND ALL MY PLANS ARE TERRIBLE. BELLA: Yeah, they r. U almost killed me trying to defend me, left me defenseless when there’s a vampire hunting me, kind of, and I’m still not a vampire. Y r u so stupid? EDWARD: IDK BELLA: Let’s make out. EDWARD: K. *Nomnomnom.* |
CHAT ROOM: ECLIPSE
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EDWARD: I’LL DIE FOR BELLA!!
JACOB: NO, I’LL DIE FOR BELLA!!! BELLA: Aw, u guys… <3 Don’t fight over me! :) Btw, isn’t Victoria still hunting me? VICORIA?: VICTORIA? has joined the chat. CARLISLE: YES, BADLY. SO SHE’S STARTED CREATING AN ARMY OF VAMPIRES TO KILL YOU. JACOB: WHAT DAMN ARMY? HA. NAILED IT. CHARLIE: GOOD ONE. LOL. CARLISLE: I READ ABOUT IT IN THE PAPER. WE HAVE TO STOP THEM. BELLA: Omg, I have an idea. Hey, Jake, remember when I said I don’t want u fighting over me? I lied! :P Would u mind getting your family together and teaming up with your mortal enemies to go to war for me, since Dumbass here won’t let me be a vampire? JACOB: USE ME. BELLA: Aw, thx! U r the best!!! <3 JACOB: PRETTY SURE YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH ME. BELLA: Lol! No, sorry, sweetie! :( JACOB: EFF. JASPER: WE NEED TO BE READY. I USED TO BE A CONFEDERATE MAJOR IN THE AMERICAN CIVIL WAR, BEFORE BECOMING A VAMPIRE AND TRAINING 1,000’S OF NEWBORN VAMPIRES TO FIGHT IN THE VAMPIRE CIVIL WAR, AND THEN KILLING THEM ALL, SO I’LL BE TRAINING YOU ALL TO FIGHT IN THE BIGGEST VAMPIRE/WEREWOLF DEATH OLYMPICS YOU’VE EVER SEEN. ALSO, I’M A HUGE EFFING BADASS. FINALLY. *Is awesome.* BELLA: OMFG. CHARLIE: BELLA, 2 IS ENOUGH. KEEP YOUR PANTS ON. THAT REMINDS ME, DID WE EVER TALK ABOUT SEX- OH, HEY, ALICE :) ALICE: ;) BELLA: Gross. Edward, let’s have sex to bad music. EDWARD: NOT TILL WE’RE MARRIED. BELLA: Gross. Edward, you should stay with me during the fight. EDWARD: NO. I WAS GONNA LEAVE YOU UNATTENDED WITH AN ARMY OF NEWBORN VAMPIRES AFTER YOU. BELLA: But that plan is terrible. All your plans are terrible. EDWARD: OH, YOUR RIGHT. K, I’LL STAY OUT. JACOB: AREN’T YOU GOING TO ASK ME TO STAY OUT CUZ YOU LOVE ME, TOO? BELLA: Aw, u r so cute! Have fun killing vampires! K, sweetie? Ttyl! :) JACOB: THIS EFFING SUCKS. EDWARD: BELLA, YOU’LL BE SAFE HERE, IN THIS NYLON TENT, IN THE MOUNTAINS DURING A BLIZZARD… DAMN. ALL MY PLANS REALLY ARE TERRIBLE. BELLA: Yeah, they really r… also, I’m kind of freezing to death, would u mind warming me up with your body- oh, right ur made of ice. Do u try to plan things this badly? EDWARD: NO. I’M JUST STUPID. JACOB: I HEARD BELLA SAY, “WARM ME UP WITH YOUR BODY,” SO I RAN FASTER THAN I HAVE EVER RUN IN MY LIFE. AND I’M ALREADY NAKED. EDWARD: GET THE EFF AWAY FROM MY GF ALREADY. BELLA: Aw. Hey Edward, I know Jacob’s been after me since 3rd grade and has been trying to steal me from u the whole time we’ve been together, but is it ok if he climbs naked into my sleeping bag with me? EDWARD: I WILL DO ANYTHING YOU SAY. BELLA: Aw, thx! U r so great! <3 JACOB: FINALLY. BELLA, DID I EVER TELL YOU THE STORY OF THE WEREWOLF’S WIFE WHO KILLED HERSELF SO THAT HER BLOOD WOULD DISTRACT A VAMPIRE FROM KILLING HER HUSBAND? BELLA: No. EDWARD: BELLA, YOU SHOULD GET SOME REST. NOW. BELLA: K. Night, Edward, love u. JACOB: … AND? YOU LOVE ME TOO, RIGHT? BELLA: No, not really, lol. JACOB: EFF YOU GUYS! BELLA: Aw, wait, Jacob! :( JACOB: YOU KNOW WHAT, BELLA??? LET’S MAKE OUT. BELLA: Ok. :* JACOB: AWESOME!!! BELLA: Edward, I kissed Jacob. EDWARD: I KNOW. BELLA: Oh. Look out! VICTORIA?: DIEEE!!! *Lunges.* EDWARD: *Starts dying.* BELLA: *Grabs something sharp.* EDWARD: BELLA WAIT! DON’T KILL YOURSELF BECAUSE OF JACOB’S STUPID WEREWOLF STORY! BELLA: … *Cuts hand.* EDWARD: OH. BELLA: U guys r dumb. VICTORIA?: BLOOD??? OH, CRAP. EDWARD: *Rips VICTORIA?’s head off.* BELLA: Oh, thanks. Hey, that went well, huh? EDWARD: YEAH, I RIPPED OFF VICTORIA?’S HEAD, YOU DIDN’T KILL YOURSELF, AND JACOB GOT ALL HIS BONES CRUSHED. BEST DAY EVER. BELLA: What was that last part? EDWARD: BEST. DAY. EVER!!! JACOB: I’VE NEVER BEEN IN SO MUCH PAIN IN MY LIFE, BUT IT WAS WORTH IT BECAUSE I DID IT FOR YOU, BELLA. YAY, RIGHT? BELLA: Yeah, I still pick Edward. Thx, tho, ttyl! :) JACOB: I HOPE WEREWOLVES CAN DIE. |
CHAT ROOM: BREAKING DAWN PART 1
JACOB: JACOB has joined the chat.
BELLA: *Marries him.* EDWARD: *Marries her.* JACOB: JACOB has left the chat. EDWARD: *Kidnaps her.* EDWARD: *Takes her to an unknown island.* EDWARD: *Reluctantly has sex with her.* EDWARD: *Accidentally beats her up.* BELLA: *Loves it.* EDWARD: *Won’t touch her.* BELLA: *Doesn’t love it.* BELLA: *Talks him into it.* EDWARD: *Reluctantly has more sex with her.* BELLA: *Gets pregnant.* EDWARD: *Wants to punch her in the stomach.* BELLA: *Moves back to forks.* BELLA: *Throws up.* WEREWOLF JACOB: WEREWOLF JACOB has joined the chat. WEREWOLF JACOB: *Bark bark, whimper.* CHARLIE: *Hates Edward more everyday.* BELLA: *Has baby.* EDWARD: *Loves it.* JACOB: *Loves it more.* BELLA: *Dies.* EDWARD: *Doesn’t love it.* BELLA: *Un-dies.* AUDIENCE: *Loves it.* |
CHAT ROOM: BREAKING DAWN PART 2
By the way, I forgot to abridge these or make them have anything to do with character development. Also, eff you again.
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